Hard is beautiful
Writing has always been such a sweet secret place for me.
I have been walking and talking with Jesus for a while now about the topic of children. As someone who grew up with a huge family where there was never a lack of children, I was not the girl who dreamed of a baby who looked just like her. I dreamed of marriage but the kids never made it to my sweet dreams lol! Not because I did not want them but because I could wait.
The Lord began working on my heart early though because he knew it would take some time to get used to the idea. Where my roommate already had her kids named and dreamed of triplets, I was big chilling. Until one day, where I stumbled upon a birth vlog and I watched the whole thing. I was 19. A window opened in my heart where whispers of the future blew in from time to time like a breeze through a kitchen window.
Ever since then, there was a slow build & I mean slow, year after year the Lord opened that window more and more until eventually the possibilities were welcome through the front door and comfortable on the couch.
I’m almost 27 now.
That in itself is crazy, but anyway.
The point is I am almost 27 and I am now married to the man of my dreams who will be the father of my children. CRAZY.
So those possibilities are a lot closer than they were at 19, or even 23. Honestly they knock pretty aggressively on the front door now.
The Lord and I have been talking, as I said, about children.
I have been going back and forth and up and down with the idea honestly. One moment I want them so bad my heart aches and the next I am cool with waiting 5 more years.
Honestly this whole first year of marriage has been full of promises along with God’s goodness and grace in taking the time to unpack fears and beliefs about children I didn't even know I had. One day I’ll write it all down but right now, I want to share where I am now.
Sweet Magnolias is my show. It’s the perfect amount of wholesome and fresh. The story is well written and the characters are actually funny. Just enough drama.
In this past episode, one the main characters died. The next few episodes are about the complexity of grief everyone feels, especially for someone who has done so much emotional damage to so many hearts in the town. In one of the scenes, I see a character who up until this point has been stuck in their pride, break down and apologize for all of their mistakes in the past and restoration occurs. There’s just multiple deep feeling, great soul stuff that happens across this show. I always find that Jesus speaks to me through their little tidbits and sayings.
For some reason, that scene specifically makes me cry. Now this could have been for many reasons being that I was in the middle of grieving a loss as well, but as I walked away from the tv the thought that lingered was that hard things were beautiful. Don’t ask me why but my thoughts traveled to the topic of motherhood. As I said before, motherhood has been an ongoing topic of conversation between God and I for months as I am sure I will update you on later, but in that moment God used the show to show me this again. I loved the show because it was honest and real and messy but it reminded me that even though life is filled with those things it can still be beautiful. The hard things make it even more beautiful. Motherhood is the same. It won’t be easy but just like everything else in life, friendship, family, marriage, even our relationship with God—it’s worth it.
